Jack Diablo Hates . . . Florida

This is the second installment of Jack Diablo Hates™, in which our revered lead singer rips Florida a new asshole.

Florida needs to secede. There, I said it.

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All of our country’s slime seems to drip toward the equator, ending in one big retarded grease trap in the Sunshine State. Florida makes Mississippi look like Florence during the Italian Renaissance.

If a cousin-fucker hits the newswire for doing bath salts and trying to eat the face off his morbidly obese sister, you know it happened in Florida.

Floridians have usurped the state’s natural beauty and turned it into a dystopian Wal-Mart-themed concentration camp.

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The president of Florida.

It’s like a blonde that was hot in her twenties who’s now 54 and so pumped with Botox, cocaine, and opiates that she doesn’t realize everyone’s laughing at her cellulite ass hanging out of her neon thong while her emotionally unstable Pomeranian hides between her wrinkly tits.

Sure, there are the gays, the Jews, Disney World, and Gloria Estefan, but for the most part, the entire state is a playground for slack-jawed third-world rednecks.

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“The rhythm is gonna hunt you down and kill you.”

What’s the solution, then? They don’t need welfare because welfare is a crutch. What they need is their own government, their own laws:

Incest can be legal! Marry your underage sister, and sell the sex tape!

Be encouraged to gain 400 pounds and punch the Domino’s guy in the face, because he forgot your garlic twists!

If you’re askin’ me, Jack Diablo, I abide by one simple phrase: Build the wall!

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Jack Diablo Hates™

 

Jack Diablo Hates

Editor’s note: This is the first installment of a new series entitled “Jack Diablo Hates,” in which famed curmudgeon, and Fancy Ketchup’s lead singer, Jack Diablo speaks his piece about subjects he despises, especially celebrities. He fucking hates celebrities not named “Jack Diablo.”

Want to get pissed off? Go check out what’s “trending” on Facebook.

Tori Spelling—that horse-faced, washed-up bitch—was drunk or some shit and freaking burned her arm at Benihana. . . . Stop the PRESSES! If she’d gotten a double mastectomy, then maybe I’d have a reason to give a shit.

And then there’s Gwyneth Paltrow, with her “poor-person experiment.” So you’ve decided to live for ONE WEEK like the people who have been carrying around your ivory fucking tower for the last 20 years? Can she live on $29 of food per week? Do I care? Guess she’ll have to go without waxing her vagina for a while. Mark my words, this little experiment ends when her bush starts to get unruly.

The only thing that is worthy of #trending is Chad Galactic.

You heard it from me, Uncle Jack Diablo. Until next time. Hugs and Snuggles!

Jack Diablo hates a lot of things. But not his fans. Thanks fans!

Jack Diablo hates a lot of things. But not his fans. Thanks fans!

April Fool’s Day means Free Music

Call us fools—a compliment, considering what people usually yell at us—but April Fool’s Day has us in the spirit of giving. It’s like fucking Christmas for Coyotes, Loki, Brer Rabbit, and all other tricksters—a archetypal group we’re proud to be a part of! Anyway … we want to give you FREE music to commemorate the day.

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Brer Rabbit, an OG Fancy Ketchup supporter.

Simply follow us at fancyketchupband.com (look for the follow button on the bottom right of your screen), confirm your subscription, and we’ll send music codes for our two albums, Hold the Mayo and For Whom My Balls Toil, to your email address. If you already follow our blog but don’t have our albums, simply email us at info@fancyketchupband.com, and we’ll send you the tunes!

In our humble opinion, April 1st is a day to share mischief and mayhem. What better way to do so then by cranking up some Fancy Ketchup!

Kanye Video by Our Friend Bip Flinch

Yes, we know Kanye is a genius–if you say something enough times it becomes true.

In tribute to Kanye, the bearer of light and love and gatekeeper of artistic credibility, Josh Clark (aka Bip Flinch, Dickey Oceans, Sad Al) created this video, simply titled “Kanye.” We hope you will spend a few minutes of your day basking in genius.

For more Bip Flinch videos, click here