If you think about it, not much has changed since the first Thanksgiving was celebrated in 1492. For example: we’re still thankful when a baby isn’t stolen by a pack of ravenous wolves on a frigid late-autumn night, its meat stripped from its now hollow carcass. Also, we’re still thankful that our god is real and worthy of worship and theirs is but a vestige of a primitive religion long ago discounted by science and reason.
Nonetheless, there are things for which we, the members of Fancy Ketchup, are specifically thankful. We hope you’ll take a minute after reading this to compile your own gratitude list. Happy Thanksgiving!
Jack Diablo: I’m thankful for Robbie Kicks, my junior high school karate sensei, for showing me how to pick out the best black tar heroin. To this day, I’ve never had a bad batch.
Juan Aguas: I’m thankful for the lucrative investment I made in a handful of gay, octogenarian resorts in Malaysia.
Sisyphus Coxx: I’m thankful I now have enough illegitimate children to staff my textile sweatshop.
Frau Chicklet: I’m thankful for my hometown: Furstenstarn am Schwaben von Klosterstein. I vish I could be der for Tanksgibing!!
Slick Dickson: I’m thankful for my lord and savior: me. Also, hats.
Joey Modesto: I’m thankful for Sylvester Stallone, ethnic children, and cherry-flavored popsicles.