Sounds like a match made in Tomato Heaven!

Found in our inbox this morning. Don’t worry, we’ve already contacted “Jack” about this potentially lucrative partnership!

“Dear Purchase Manager

I am Jack from Hebei Ocean Industrial Co.,Limited!

I get your email from your website and know you are in the market for Tomato paste!

We are one leading and professional manufacturer of Tomato paste in china!

We can supply Tomato paste  with good quality and competitive price, hope to start business with your company!

If you want to get more informations about our company and products,please feel free to inform us in details!

Looking forward to your inquiry!

Best Regards

Jack”

jack FK

Alibaba CEO Jack Ma, who we assume is the author of this email.

Fancy Ketchup Returns to the Bottom of the Hill (10/14/14)

We’re pleased to announce our return to the Bottom of the Hill in San Francisco on Tuesday, October 14, 2014! After tense negotiations, the charges were dropped and we were asked back for a second show.

We’ll be joined by our friends Chad Galactic and Dave Brogan (ALO), who will kick off the festivities at 9pm. Don’t miss your chance to be properly offended.both flyer1

10 Questions with . . . Juan Aguas

spitz guitar

Aguas, contemplating life, love, and Baby Dick

Surfacing from his GHB-induced stupor long enough to realize there was someone sitting in front of him, Juan Aguas offered a surprisingly lucid, historically accurate assessment of ISIS and other Islamic terrorist groups–most of which has been omitted–during this installment of “10 Questions with . . .”

1. Who are your favorite comedians?

The usual. Joseph Stalin, Martin Luther King Sr.

stalin

Joseph Stalin ranks behind only Hitler and Pol Pot as the funniest dictators of the twentieth century.

2. Tell us about the album “For Whom My Balls Toil.

We always wanted to do a standards album, the timing seemed right, and I think we nailed it.

3. What is the future for FK?

A meteoric rise and then an even greater plummet. Then probably several reunion tours.

4. Who is your least favorite member of the band? Why?

Slick Dickson. His chiseled ass cheeks offend me.

5. Who is the true lead singer? Why?

Jeff Keith, no explanation needed.

jeffrey-keith-477

Jeff Keith, one of our idols.

6. Which heaven sounds better: Muslim, where you get a shitload of virgins, or Christian, where everyone is playing harps all the time?

Probably Muslim, just because Christian music sucks so bad.

7. Favorite artist that no one’s heard of?

Claude Monet. He’s big in Giverny, though.

8. Would you rather be retarded or dead? Why?

I’d rather be deaf and on life support.

9. Use 3 adjectives to describe Jack Diablo.

Girthy, celestial, fecund.

20. Favorite FK song. Why?

The yet-to-be released “Midget Messiah” suite.

10 Questions with . . . Jack Diablo

Fancy Ketchup’s resident rapscallion, Jack Diablo was carved from Grecian marble, then stolen and housed in the British Museum. Sipping diet soda from a Thirsty-Two Ouncer and devouring day-old nachos from AM/PM, Diablo sat down with us for this week’s “10 Questions with . . .”

stache

Jack Diablo, at six years old.

 

1. What’s the best aspect of working with FK?

The drugs and the whores.  And the music, I guess.  Did I mention the whores?

 

2. Can you tell us how the band formed?

Fire and magma churned below my feet and my ear drums were ruptured by the coming of Coxx.  I was smitten, and after performing a Santeria ceremony and drinking a case of whiskey, I reluctantly signed a recording contract in blood.  Not my blood, but blood nonetheless.

 

3. Tell us about the album “For Whom My Balls Toil.”

I was blacked out on peyote and absinthe for the recording; I haven’t heard it since, but people seem to enjoy it.

 

4. What is the future for FK?

EGOT.  Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony, in that order.

jones grammy

Diablo cleaned up at the 2014 Grammy Awards, netting more than a dozen awards in multiple categories.

 

5. Who is your least favorite member of the band? Why?

I really hate Aguas sometimes. His work ethic and punctuality make me look bad.

 

6. Who is the true lead singer? Why?

All you have to do is read Plessy v. Ferguson. Separate but equal, bitches.

 

7. If you could overdose on one drug, what would it be?

The real question is: What drug have I NOT overdosed on?

And that would be weed.  Not for lack of trying.  I hot-boxed a minivan for 8 hours straight, but woke up the next day with only sore ass cheeks.  But that’s another story.

 

8. Sexual preference?

Tri-curious.

 

9. Favorite ice cream flavor?

Rainbow sherbet with a whole bottle of Magic Shell on top.

 

10. Favorite FK song. Why?

“In Taiwan.” Because I had nothing to do with it.

10 Questions with . . . Dickey Oceans

Tethering the fine line between transcendence and perversion, the inimitable Dickey Oceans sat down for a lengthy and rambling interview in which he discussed his childhood as a feral wolf and his teenage years as a model for LA Gear. We’ve whittled it down for this week’s installment of “10 Questions with…”

DSC_0333

Dickey Oceans, discussing the Higgs boson.

1. What’s the best aspect of working with Fancy Ketchup?

Moonlit walks on the beach with Sisyphus.

 

2. How did the band form (briefly)?

We met in line for the world premiere of The Notebook.

 

3. Tell us about the album “For Whom My Balls Toil.”

I’d love to, but I blacked out in the studio.

dickey black out

Dickey, recording “FWMBT.”

 

4. Who’s a bigger asshole, Coxx or Diablo?

Trust me . . . Diablo has a bigger asshole.

 

5. Who is your least favorite member of the band? Why?

It’s a tie between everyone. But mostly that other guy who plays guitar. I forgot his name.

 

6. Sexual preference?

Roman-style orgy.

 

7. You guys have like 6 bass players. What gives?

Someone needs to carry the gear.

 

8. Favorite ice cream flavor?

Vagina.

pink ice cream

9. Who’s your favorite artist that no one’s heard of?

Fancy Ketchup.

 

10. Would you rather be retarded or dead? Why?

Both; for reasons you’re probably too retarded to understand.

Coxx’s Summer Reading List

As summer reaches its peak and Labor Day approaches, you may find yourself with your toes in the sand at the local beach or sipping lemonade on your front-porch swing. For such an occasion, Sisyphus Coxx provides recommendations for end-of-summer reading.

StoriesOnThePorchSwing

Coxx’s recommended readings: An age-old tradition.

 

 

How to Raise a Xenophobe (2012)

Coxx comment: “Chock full of parenting tips to help guide your budding jingoist.”

 

Women Are from San Bernardino, Men Are from Fontana (2014)

Coxx comment: “Really helped me better understand my first and second wives.”

 

Marriage Swap: How to Fuck Your Friend’s Wife in Three Easy Steps (2011, second edition)

Coxx comment: “The title is somewhat misleading. The third step, the fucking, is easy; the first two steps take some planning.

 

Healthy Eating for the Chinese Octogenarian (1999)

Coxx comment: “Recommended by my acupuncturist.”

 

Reagan’s Bloody Urine, Taft’s Hermaphroditic Cousin, and Other Fun Presidential Facts (2010)

Coxx comment: “Some funny stuff in here, like the time Grover Cleveland got drunk and shaved off Chester A. Arthur’s sideburns.”

Chester_A._Arthur_by_Ole_Peter_Hansen_Balling

Chester A. Arthur, before humiliation.

 

10 Questions with . . . Sisyphus Coxx

In this week’s installment of “10 Questions with…” we speak with Sisyphus Coxx from his opulent Italian villa along the Amalfi Coast, where he is currently under house arrest for crimes against humanity.

Coxx at mic2

Coxx, under heavy sedation.

1. What’s the best aspect of working with FK?

The spiritual satisfaction that comes from spreading our vision of social, religious, and economic equality across ethnically and intellectually diverse communities.

 

2. How did the band form (briefly)?

Read the mythology, you ignorant churl.

 

3. Tell us about the album “For Whom My Balls Toil.”

Dickey Oceans wrote all the songs and played all the instruments.

 

4. Who is your least favorite member of the band? Why?

Definitely me. I find myself abusive and extremely difficult to work with.

coxx bathroom 1

Coxx, after being berated by Coxx.

 

5. Who is the true lead singer? Why?

Frau, without a doubt.

 

6. If you could overdose on one drug, what would it be?

A speedball of chewing tobacco and crack.

 

7. Sexual preference?

Repressed religious moms.

repressed mom

Repressed mom in therapy after torrid affair with Coxx.

 

8. Favorite artist that no one’s heard of?

U2. Oh wait, I thought you said favorite artist that no one gives a shit about anymore.

 

9. Use 3 adjectives to describe Jack Diablo.

Flatulent, ethnic, nourished.

 

10. Favorite FK song. Why?

Baby Dick, of course.