We don’t know about your neighborhood, but in ours, Halloween is so fucking boring these days.
We see the suburban dads begrudgingly stringing fake spider webs from the branches of autumnal trees, mindlessly carving pumpkins into insipid jack-o-lanterns, and returning from Rite-Aid with prepackaged, synthetic, toxic children’s costumes.
If this sounds like your Halloween, stop contemplating whether or not the serrated pumpkin carver you hold in your right hand is sharp enough to slice through your ulnar artery, and listen up. We just returned from Denver with a suitcase full of sour gummy bears laced with hash oil—and we suggest you do the same.
Simply mix gummies into candy bowl alongside unlaced candy—kind of like a Kool-Aid Acid Test for innocent and, above all, gullible children. Wait a few hours for the sour bears to take effect, then watch your neighborhood turn into a Clockwork Orange–style post-apocalyptic playground for underage ghosts, ghouls, and sad witches. That should cure your ennui.