Happy Halloween from Fancy Ketchup

We don’t know about your neighborhood, but in ours, Halloween is so fucking boring these days.

bored dad

Bored suburban dad, thinking about how fucking boring Halloween is.

We see the suburban dads begrudgingly stringing fake spider webs from the branches of autumnal trees, mindlessly carving pumpkins into insipid jack-o-lanterns, and returning from Rite-Aid with prepackaged, synthetic, toxic children’s costumes.

If this sounds like your Halloween, stop contemplating whether or not the serrated pumpkin carver you hold in your right hand is sharp enough to slice through your ulnar artery, and listen up. We just returned from Denver with a suitcase full of sour gummy bears laced with hash oil—and we suggest you do the same.

Kids won’t even know the difference.

Simply mix gummies into candy bowl alongside unlaced candy—kind of like a Kool-Aid Acid Test for innocent and, above all, gullible children. Wait a few hours for the sour bears to take effect, then watch your neighborhood turn into a Clockwork Orange–style post-apocalyptic playground for underage ghosts, ghouls, and sad witches. That should cure your ennui.

Clockwork orange baby

A couple hours after he ingests the gummy.

Happy Halloweed!!

The Best Night of Your Life

Don’t forget: We’re at the Bottom of the Hill in San Francisco next Tuesday night, October 14. Our friends Chad Galactic and Dave Brogan take the stage at 9pm sharp. Join us for a night of fellowship and spiritual transformation.

both flyer1

Post-show group sex optional, but strongly encouraged.

Sounds like a match made in Tomato Heaven!

Found in our inbox this morning. Don’t worry, we’ve already contacted “Jack” about this potentially lucrative partnership!

“Dear Purchase Manager

I am Jack from Hebei Ocean Industrial Co.,Limited!

I get your email from your website and know you are in the market for Tomato paste!

We are one leading and professional manufacturer of Tomato paste in china!

We can supply Tomato paste  with good quality and competitive price, hope to start business with your company!

If you want to get more informations about our company and products,please feel free to inform us in details!

Looking forward to your inquiry!

Best Regards

Jack”

jack FK

Alibaba CEO Jack Ma, who we assume is the author of this email.

Fancy Ketchup Returns to the Bottom of the Hill (10/14/14)

We’re pleased to announce our return to the Bottom of the Hill in San Francisco on Tuesday, October 14, 2014! After tense negotiations, the charges were dropped and we were asked back for a second show.

We’ll be joined by our friends Chad Galactic and Dave Brogan (ALO), who will kick off the festivities at 9pm. Don’t miss your chance to be properly offended.both flyer1

10 Questions with . . . Juan Aguas

spitz guitar

Aguas, contemplating life, love, and Baby Dick

Surfacing from his GHB-induced stupor long enough to realize there was someone sitting in front of him, Juan Aguas offered a surprisingly lucid, historically accurate assessment of ISIS and other Islamic terrorist groups–most of which has been omitted–during this installment of “10 Questions with . . .”

1. Who are your favorite comedians?

The usual. Joseph Stalin, Martin Luther King Sr.

stalin

Joseph Stalin ranks behind only Hitler and Pol Pot as the funniest dictators of the twentieth century.

2. Tell us about the album “For Whom My Balls Toil.

We always wanted to do a standards album, the timing seemed right, and I think we nailed it.

3. What is the future for FK?

A meteoric rise and then an even greater plummet. Then probably several reunion tours.

4. Who is your least favorite member of the band? Why?

Slick Dickson. His chiseled ass cheeks offend me.

5. Who is the true lead singer? Why?

Jeff Keith, no explanation needed.

jeffrey-keith-477

Jeff Keith, one of our idols.

6. Which heaven sounds better: Muslim, where you get a shitload of virgins, or Christian, where everyone is playing harps all the time?

Probably Muslim, just because Christian music sucks so bad.

7. Favorite artist that no one’s heard of?

Claude Monet. He’s big in Giverny, though.

8. Would you rather be retarded or dead? Why?

I’d rather be deaf and on life support.

9. Use 3 adjectives to describe Jack Diablo.

Girthy, celestial, fecund.

20. Favorite FK song. Why?

The yet-to-be released “Midget Messiah” suite.

10 Questions with . . . Jack Diablo

Fancy Ketchup’s resident rapscallion, Jack Diablo was carved from Grecian marble, then stolen and housed in the British Museum. Sipping diet soda from a Thirsty-Two Ouncer and devouring day-old nachos from AM/PM, Diablo sat down with us for this week’s “10 Questions with . . .”

stache

Jack Diablo, at six years old.

 

1. What’s the best aspect of working with FK?

The drugs and the whores.  And the music, I guess.  Did I mention the whores?

 

2. Can you tell us how the band formed?

Fire and magma churned below my feet and my ear drums were ruptured by the coming of Coxx.  I was smitten, and after performing a Santeria ceremony and drinking a case of whiskey, I reluctantly signed a recording contract in blood.  Not my blood, but blood nonetheless.

 

3. Tell us about the album “For Whom My Balls Toil.”

I was blacked out on peyote and absinthe for the recording; I haven’t heard it since, but people seem to enjoy it.

 

4. What is the future for FK?

EGOT.  Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony, in that order.

jones grammy

Diablo cleaned up at the 2014 Grammy Awards, netting more than a dozen awards in multiple categories.

 

5. Who is your least favorite member of the band? Why?

I really hate Aguas sometimes. His work ethic and punctuality make me look bad.

 

6. Who is the true lead singer? Why?

All you have to do is read Plessy v. Ferguson. Separate but equal, bitches.

 

7. If you could overdose on one drug, what would it be?

The real question is: What drug have I NOT overdosed on?

And that would be weed.  Not for lack of trying.  I hot-boxed a minivan for 8 hours straight, but woke up the next day with only sore ass cheeks.  But that’s another story.

 

8. Sexual preference?

Tri-curious.

 

9. Favorite ice cream flavor?

Rainbow sherbet with a whole bottle of Magic Shell on top.

 

10. Favorite FK song. Why?

“In Taiwan.” Because I had nothing to do with it.